Monthly Archives: April 2011


It’s 3:35am on Sun April 10th, 2011.

I’m sitting alone in what has been my home for over the last year in LA.

Alone, with the exception of some boxes of odds and ends, some paintings and artwork I didn’t trust the movers with, and all of the computers, gadgets, and pieces of photography and videography gear I’ve somehow amassed. The kinky gear that I’m not leaving at The Studio Underground (for the one week a month that I’ll continue to raise hell here in Los Angeles) was somewhat amusing to the movers, particularly the antique metal gyno table, but they were ever so careful with what is precious to me.

I mentioned briefly on twitter a few days ago that I moved to LA with a suitcase and a laptop in 2006, and was leaving with two giant trucks worth of things. I suppose if things are the measure of success, I’ve done well for myself here. But in truth, they’re just things. Replaceable, ordinary, and less ordinary, things.

The real meat of the statement of moving here with a laptop and a suitcase is a lot more complicated. I was a mess, and I came here to try and gain control of my life.  And for the most part, I think I’ve done that, at least most of what I can actually control.

I’ve never liked LA.

I never thought I’d be here longer than a few months, that this was just another stop on my chaotic journey. My heart is happiest when I’m in cities that are built up and not out. I’m sensitive to sunlight, and LA made me aware of allergies I never knew I had. My home is really San Francisco, and a coastal town near there….

But I kept finding compelling reasons to remain here a bit longer.

I wanted to learn more about fetish, I wanted to learn more about BDSM, I wanted to learn all that I could from Isabella Sinclaire to become a Dominatrix,  I wanted to start a company with someone and be a producer and star of FemDom videos,  I wanted to honor my commitments to Isabella despite other aspects of my life blindsiding me… I did all of that, and more.   But my reasons to remain here really ended about a year ago, once The Ivy Manor era ended.

Some of the intangible gifts my time here has given me are an obsessive work ethic that I had no idea I had the capacity for, both a deeper level of empathy for people from various walks of life and a newfound sense of skepticism to keep me safe from those who pretend to be someone they’re not.

I did not ever manage to get a tan, my hair didn’t turn blonde, and I am still completely incapable of judging LA traffic and arriving on time anywhere, to save my life. I lack the audacity to name drop, even in situations that it may well have benefitted me, and my frequent disgust at people’s social behavior here has only strengthened my own internal values and beliefs about how people should behave…

One of those views is that people should do what makes them happy without harming others,  feel good about themselves,  and not be so concerned with what other people think of them.   My reasons for remaining in LA for the last year were ego driven, I was trying to prove something on a personal front, to people who actually don’t matter at all. You know the type- they pretend to smile to each other’s faces, and then really smile  as they twist the dagger in their “best friend’s”  back a moment later..

So I’m taking my own advice, and doing what I probably should have done the moment my obligations to Isabella were complete, and moved to where I knew I was happiest- home.

I’ve spent a lot of time the last few months finding the perfect location to open my new several thousand square foot studio and playspace, and my new private residence (which is just far enough away to give me separation, but not so far I’ll ever get stuck in another random traffic jam again!).  I’m really excited for this new chapter in my life, which will include all the best parts of my adult life, together at last- my favorite friends, my favorite city, the vocation I never knew I was searching for, but found, the voice I never knew I had, and the sense of self I had always felt was missing prior to landing in Los Angeles 5 1/2 years ago.

Because I’m not really good at goodbyes, I’ll still be here about one week a month, just to see the special people who live here, that I’d miss too much if I just left entirely.  And, from time to time, to film some of the amazing kinky sluts who are standouts amongst the adult video scene.

So, thank you Los Angeles.

For the incredible gifts, the hard knocks, ripoffs & restraining orders that helped me build a thicker skin, and the unique experience of a lifetime that has truly made me who I am- A Los Angeles Dominatrix who is coming home to San Francisco.

I am truly,  forever grateful.

With Kink and Love,


Dominatrix Dialogues- Entry 1

I’m starting a new portion of entries in My blog- the Dominatrix Dialogues. Each entry will either be based either in part or in whole on a “live” conversation I’ve had with someone, or a more personal (regarding Myself) email correspondence I’ve had with someone (with their personal information omitted).

So, here is the first of many Dominatrix Dialogues :-)

Recently, during an evening of rather flowing free association based conversation, a good friend asked Me,

“So who are You competing with?”

Despite our rather tangent oriented dialogue, the question sort of caught Me off guard. I asked in what regard did he mean by that question, and he said he meant it in both a personal and a general business sense.

“Well, no one I suppose,” was My answer.

“Come one, be honest. Competition is what motivates most of us, and You seem more motivated than a lot of people. So… who are You competing with?” he asked again.

“No one. No one but Myself.”

And that’s the truth. ‘January’ was a girl I created a long time ago. And while i may have caught up with, and even surpassed that first idealized version of Myself, there is always an upgraded idealized self floating around in My mind, and I’m always racing to catch up with “Her”. It’s a never ending competition, My race, and I will never catch up. But it’s fun :-)

“Who’s competing against You then?” he further queried.

“I have no idea if anyone is, or who they would be if they are,” was and is My honest answer.

Competition is a concept that I’ve actually worked hard to not embrace in My adult life. It’s based on comparison- Comparing yourself to others, comparing one’s work to others, constantly monitoring and judging other people and what they do and how they do and it and then judging oneself to see you think you measure up..

All of that takes a lot of time, energy, and mental space.

As a human being, a Dominatrix, a FemDom adult performer, an adult website developer and producer, I am My own worst critic, and My own best competitor. I don’t need anyone else to motivate Me.